Humor by John Christmann

Wrapping Up March

A toiled being wrapped with cling

I have an issue with cling wrap. Assuming you can find the invisible end against the clear roll, you quickly discover the only thing the thin plastic sheet clings to is itself. Heaven help you if it folds together accidently after being pulled from the roll. And just try to free something that has been mummified in cling wrap. Forget about it.

But, I suppose, it does have its uses. For example, you can take a big roll of the stuff and pass it under and over someone’s feet while they are sleeping.

Or you can stretch a long strip several times around a telephone with the handset still in place.

Similarly, if you wrap up an alarm clock really tight you can see the time even though you can’t access the buttons.

Plastic wrap is pretty strong and transparent too. Especially when stretched tight across a doorway.

Until early in the morning, when my alarm inexplicably went off at full volume and I tripped out of bed to answer the phone and fell into the sealed doorway because my feet were mysteriously bound in plastic, I would never have thought of such creative uses for cling wrap.

But it turns out my son is very clever with the stuff.

One other ingenious use he discovered. It can invisibly wrap and depress the handle button of the kitchen sink spray hose so that when you turn on the faucet early in the morning to brew a pot of coffee a very cold jet of strategically aimed water completely soaks your boxers.

Needless to say, I felt pretty foolish when I spied the empty tube of cardboard sitting in the kitchen. Especially since it was only March 32nd and April Fools was not until the next day. That is what I tried to tell my son when he feigned ignorance as to how the Saran Wrap escaped from its roller during the night.

When he heard this he just rolled his eyes and scoffed. He thinks I am an amateur. “Dad,” he said sarcastically, “did you know the word gullible was inadvertently omitted from the Webster Dictionary? It’s true! Go ahead, look it up!”

I fell for that one the year before. It took a while to figure out because he had hidden the dictionary.

But I vowed that I would get back at him. That it would be when he least expected it. That he would never see it coming.

I think that was right after he had loaded an image of shattered glass on the home screen of my computer and I irately took it in to get repaired.

But now it really is payback time.

And forget short-sheeting the bed. Forget Kick Me post-it notes slapped to his back. Forget stapling his socks shut.

I am thinking something bigger.

Like for instance there are a lot of cool gags that can be played with glue guns and duct tape.

When I was in college I woke one morning in my dorm room to find that the remnants of a late night party the evening before had been glued to a cheap coffee table just as they rested. Empty cans, popcorn, pens, trash, paper cups, a math book, paper clips, and a flower pot where secured firmly if casually in place.

The table, in turn, was suspended upside down from the ceiling.

I never found out who did it but I thought it was pretty funny. That is until I tried to water the house plant that was permanently fixed to the table above my head.

Hmmm. Maybe I could do something fun like that with all the stuff my son leaves scattered on the floor of his room.

Maybe even include the cat.

On the other hand, I am not sure it is wise to participate in an April Fools prank war that carries out year after year. I can only imagine what will happen as something like this escalates into advanced age. I would hate to wake up one morning to find my walker glued to the floor or my hearing aids programmed to play static all day.

Or worse, a Kenny G retrospective.

Maybe as a parental victim on April Fools Day it is best to just grin and bear it. Maybe it is best to let our kids feel like they have gotten the best of us. Maybe we should just let them relish in their devilish pleasure at our gullible expense.

I don’t think so.

Here is another creative use for cling wrap. It can be used to keep snacks fresh all day in school backpacks. Especially oreo cookies.

Ones that have cream fillings replaced with toothpaste.

Game on.