Humor by John Christmann

Super Bowl Ex-lax (XLIX)

Tom Brady throwing a bomb.

If I hear one more story about the “deflate-gate” Super Bowl controversy, I am going to puke.

Enough already. Deflate-gate is nothing but an overblown pun and the humor has completely lost air.

You see what I mean about puking?

I’m sorry, but the fumbled news coverage on this controversy is getting out of hand. I mean c’mon, do we really think that something as inconsequential as the air pressure of a football can determine the outcome of a game? Heck, even the quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks, Russell Wilson, said about the ball: "as long as it has laces, I'm ready to go."

So is it really that significant if Tom Brady decides to hurl an old shoe in Super Bowl XLIX?

Let’s face it, where the Patriots are concerned, bending the rules is a well-documented part of their game plan. In fact, to not cheat would by very definition be un-Patriotic. And after all, didn’t President Bush sign the Patriot’s Act to ensure their victories by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism?

Doesn’t this apply to 250 pound blitzing linebackers?

If I were Tom Brady facing Seattle’s so called Legion of Boom defensive backs I would be texting encrypted footballs to my receivers. It’s a lot more secure.

So let’s not get hung up on something so trivial as cheating. Let’s instead concentrate on the match ups and fine play that will no doubt be on display at this year’s Super Bowl. OK?

First, the National Anthem. This year the Patriot’s theme song will be rendered by the often mistaken Frozen singer and former Heisman trophy winner, Johnny Menziel.

Sorry, that is Idina Manzel.

There is a lot of pressure to not screw up the National Anthem, so even though it is prohibitively against NFL rules, look for the New England bench to signal in the lyrics from the sideline.

Not too many people know this, but the kick or receive coin toss is decided by the home team. This year Seattle, playing in Arizona, will be wearing home team jerseys and by default, New England will call the toss.

Pay attention to the team captains as they shake hands with officials and expect New England to win the flip with a two-headed coin.

The Seahawks are looking to win back-to-back Super Bowl championships. The last team to do this was the New England Patriots after they hacked the NFL website and changed the outcome of Super Bowl XXXIX.

To add even more game time drama, Russell Wilson has a chance to be the youngest quarterback in American history to ever win back-to-back super bowls. That distinction is currently enjoyed by Tom Brady.

Sometime before the game look for a birth certificate leaked to the press definitively proving that Russell Wilson is 92 years old.

In addition to Wilson, The Patriots will be trying to stop Seattle’s “Beast Mode” running back, Marshawn Lynch. Lynch is best known for his relentless runs culminating in end zone celebration dances in which he often grabs his groin. In fact, the NFL has warned the Seattle Seahawks that if Lynch reaches for his crotch during Super Bowl XLIX they will be penalized 15 yards.

Look for the Patriots to put cayenne pepper in The Beast Mode’s jock strap sometime before the game.

But New England has legitimate weapons too, most notably tight end, Rob Gronkowski. Affectionately nicknamed “Gronk” by fans, Gronkowski is known for his high definition butt crack which often appears rising up from his uniform pants on instant replays after he is wrestled to the ground.

Expect New England to repel Seattle coverage by having Gronkowski split the seams in tight coverage deep in his end zone.

This year trick plays are also expected to have a significant impact on the outcome of Super Bowl XLIX. The Patriots in particular have in the past purposely misled opposing teams by surreptitiously scrambling eligible and ineligible receivers, as occurred in the recent AFC playoff contest against the Indianapolis Colts.

During that game Brady hid the ball in his jersey and threw a grapefruit to lineman Nate Solder for a touchdown.

In this Sunday’s game, look for even more controversial plays constructed by Patriot’s special teams coordinator, Benedict Arnold.

And what about halftime? This year Super Bowl fans will be treated to entertainment provided by prolific pop star Katy Perry and her special guest, Patriot’s attorney Lenny Kravitz. There has been much speculation as to the songs Ms. Perry will sing during half time, and the details of her planned performance have been kept tightly under wraps.

Look for her set list to appear on Bill Belichick’s clipboard just before kick off.

I fully expect this game to be a close one sports fans, so pay close attention.

My prediction: New England by three after a controversial last minute field goal in which 7 seconds mysteriously appear on the game clock and the field is somehow shortened by five yards.

I’m just saying . . .