Humor by John Christmann

Nobody On

yawning smiley face with a baseball cap

I don’t really care for the teams playing in the World Series this year.

Opening pitch

It may have something to do with being a Cubs fan.

1st Inning

Whenever I watch baseball, my mind wanders. Fanatics say there is a lot of drama and nuance deep inside the game. I think there is a lot of drama and nuance keeping your eyes open through nine innings too.

I have a question. What’s with the scraggly beards? Since when did the Amish become so good at baseball?

2nd Inning

My antipathy for this year’s Fall Classic may seem unusual given that I live in the New York Metropolitan area and have spent the last week or more glued to the television set watching the playoff games. But that’s what happens when you faithfully root for a team in Wrigley Field that hasn’t been to a World Series since 1945.

Which reminds me. Who comes up with all those goofy, inconsequential “first time” statistics? Is that really somebody’s job? I am waiting for the first time in World Series history that a game is played without any useless trivia.

Speaking of useless trivia, did you know that the “amazin” Mets got their nickname in 1969 when they went on a miraculous tear (a rarity for the Mets) just as the Chicago Cubs were enduring a tragic September losing streak (a regular occurrence for the Cubs)?

And did you know that the Kansas City Royals have never played a World Series game in Kansas?

3rd Inning

My son wants to know what other countries play in the World Series.

Does Canada count?

I went to a baseball game in Japan once. I watched the Yomiuri Giants play the Nippon-Ham Fighters. The crowd was very orderly and polite. They chanted organized team cheers in Japanese. I couldn’t understand what they were screaming, so I yelled Let’s Go Cubbies and ate Udon noodles in the stands.

Other than that the game was not so different. They still served beer.

I don’t think they can legitimately call it a World Series.

4th Inning

My kids are not really interested in baseball. My older son played little league at my urging for a couple of years. He wanted to be a pitcher. After losing an important game by giving up 15 runs in the last inning his enthusiasm for baseball dimmed substantially.

That game wasn’t so great as a fan either.

I used to blame myself for the Cubs endless string of losing seasons. It seemed that every time I watched them on TV, they lost. I now realize the destructive fallacy of my thinking. It is not me. It is everyone else watching them on TV that makes them lose.

5th Inning

I have another question. What’s with all these drug commercials?

My wife believes drug names are better suited for cars. Thus we could all be driving a Ford Valtrex, a Chevy Cymbalta, or a Jeep Gaviscon. Obviously we shouldn’t drive these cars without first consulting a doctor, but I can see that it could relieve the discomfort of acid reflux or an overactive bladder while on a World Series road trip.

And I suppose if I were experiencing erectile dysfunction I could be Ram tough in a Cialis 4x4.

See the ad in Golf Digest.

6th Inning

One of the greatest inventions of all time is the button marked Last on my TV remote. It allows me to instantly switch between shows that are separated by exponential numbers of cable channels. Did you know it is possible to watch an entire episode of Chicago Hope during a change of pitchers?

7th Inning

So it's root root root for the Cubbies, if they don’t win it's a shame . . .

They never show the seventh inning stretch on TV. Instead we have to see Matthew McConaughey drive a sleek Xarelto Town Car to an uptown poker game in the city. He clearly is not watching the World Series.

He must be a Cubs fan too.

Bottom of the 7th

My daughter wants to know who is winning. I have to check the summary icon on the corner of the TV set because I have forgotten the score. The Cubs are losing I tell her. The Cubs aren’t playing she says. Thanks for reminding me I tell her.

Bottom of the 8th

It is 11:15 PM. Everyone else has gone to bed. I should go to bed too. But I might as well watch the end of the game. It’s almost over.

Bottom of the 9th

It isn't. This is the drama of baseball they talk about: a solo home run to put the game into extra innings thereby extending the potential for even more drama well past midnight.

Top of the 10th

I don’t know who will win or lose, nor do I care. But I go to bed safe in knowing that no one will ever blame me for the loss because I stayed up watching their team play on TV.

Bottom of the 10th